Wax´s Short Stories: The Legacy
by Wizard Weatherwax
Summary: All of these short stories are based on several of my posts in the Bioware´s Neverwinter Nights Forum. I can only hope that the stories will make you laugh or at least feel entertained.
1. The Colour Blind Bard

**Chapter 1; The Colour-Blind Bard **

**Note: **Rogues have a very important role in a party of adventurers. They can be scouts, trappers and even thugs or archers. I usually use mine as sneaky thieves that like to scout ahead and disarm traps. That's just my opinion. And then I started thinking… usually in the movies the traps involve red and blue wires. What if the Rogue was colour-blind? I mean the Rogue is usually the main disarmer of traps. What would happen to the party that had a colour-blind Rogue? I guess that it would be funny, huh? But then I thought of something, in my opinion, even funnier. Let the Rogue be an expert disarmer of traps that isn't colour-blind. I mean the guy is like the Master of Disarming Traps. The best! But what if his life depended on the help of a colour-blind party member. Let's just say that results weren't pretty.

"You there! Bard that doesn't know how to sing! Yes, you! Pull that red lever! Not the blue one. The red one!" – yelled the Rogue.

It had started as a simple quest. Get in inside the dungeon, kill everything that moves and steal everything that doesn't. Unfortunately, things were never that simple.

The Rogue was trapped inside a hole. And the walls were getting closer and closer. Well, at least his partner hadn't fall into the hole. There was still hope, the Rogue thought.

"Errr... Sure... A simple task, right?" – said the Bard, his face full of sweat.

"Yeah! Even a bastard like you could do it."

The Bard didn't seem very convinced. Was it the right time to explain to the Rogue that he was colour-blind? And risk a great humiliation? He would never be asked to join a party again. And what then? He had bills to pay and instruments to buy.

Better make use of that Bluff skill of his.

"Okay!" – replied the Bard.

The Bard sighed. He didn't know which one was the red lever. So why think about which one was which? He just pulled one of the levers and prayed for a miracle.

There a loud thud noise.

"What? But that was the blue one! You idiot! You..." – raged the Rogue.

The walls crushed the poor Rogue.

"Errr... Sorry?" – squeaked the Bard.


	2. The Ogre and the Bard

**Chapter 2; The Ogre and the Bard **

**Note:** I like using spellcasters such as the Wizard and the Cleric. I have already tried the Bard and I confess that I didn't enjoy it that much. Sure it is a very useful Class and all, but it just isn't the type of Class that I enjoy playing with. I guess that I have never fully understood the power of music. Or maybe I have…

This is a story about a Bard. It could be any Bard. Look his name doesn't matter. Why are you being so troublesome? You want a name? Fine. His name was Bard. That's right. A Bard named Bard. Happy?

Well, Bard was just walking in the woods. He liked doing that. He usually said to people that you could find inspiration in the woods. People would then pretend to agree with him and think that he just wanted to see the naked fairies.

And that was actually true. He liked seeing naked fairies. Who wouldn't? Unfortunately for him he had never found a naked fairy.

But he was a patience man, our Bard was. It should never be said that he was a quitter. He was a backstabbing bastard and a boring man, but not a quitter.

Alas poor Bard wasn't also very lucky. Instead of a naked fairy, the poor Bard had found an Ogre.

"Buahh! Me eat you, puny sissy person-thingy!" – growled the Ogre.

"Ahhhh! A blue Ogre!" – cried Bard.

"Me not blue..."

"Sorry... I am colour-blind..."

"That's okay... You won't be for long!"

So this was it. His first random encounter. He had heard about these strange occurrences. And he had already formulated a dashing plan. Bard picked up his Magical Harp.

"What's that?" – asked the Ogre.

The Bard started playing his Magical Harp. It was show time!

"Love is a many splendored thing  
Love lifts us up where we belong  
All you need is love" – sang the Bard.

The huge monster couldn't help but feel confused. Why was the puny human singing? And why were his lips moving on their own free will?

"Please don't start that again" – sang the Ogre.

"All you need is love"

"A girl has got to eat"

"All you need is love"

"She'll end up on the street"

"All you need is love"

"Love is just a game"

"I was made for loving you baby  
You were made for loving me"

"The only way of loving me baby  
Is to pay a lovely fee"

The Bard looked at the Ogre and the monster winked at him. There was true romance in the air. You could definitely smell it. By the way according to a recent study on the subject true romance smells like a mixture of chocolate and whisky.

"We could steal time  
Just for one day  
We can be heroes  
Forever and ever  
We can be heroes  
Forever and ever  
We can be heroes"

Both the Ogre and the Bard sang as loud as they could manage:

"Just because I, and I will always love you"

The monster closed her eyes and sang sweetly:

"How wonderful life is now  
You're in the world"

Ahhhh! It had been a nice song. Anyway it was lunch time.

"That was nice... Huhhh... Where is puny human-thingy?" – thought the Ogre.

She was still able to spot Bard running away, but he was already too far away for her to catch the bastard.

"Sniff... Men... They are just earth-thingy..." – mumbled the Ogre.


	3. The Honest Rogue

**Chapter 3; The Honest Rogue **

**Note: **What? You can now have Lawful Good Rogues? Really? Okay, I will bite. I mean it isn't that difficult to imagine, right? We are talking about a Rogue that is both Lawful and Good, meaning that he respects Order, Laws and practices Good deeds. He must steal from the rich and give it to the poor, that sort of thing. Good reliable chap. As honest as a Lawful Good Paladin. Yeah! That will work.

It wasn't easy being a Lawful Good Rogue. It was in fact the exact opposite. He had to control all of his roguish instincts and act like a proper citizen. He would never steal from the innocent, nor would he ever murder someone for money. That wouldn't be… very nice.

So… he had a conflict of interests. On one hand he wanted to steal everything that wasn't nailed to the floor, and on the other hand he wanted to act like a Lawful Good character.

Oh, well! A Lawful Good Rogue has to do what a Lawful Good Rogue has to do.

"Dear Guard, I am turning myself in." – said the Rogue.

"What?" - said the confused Guard.

"Instead of trying to find the cure, I have been stealing and robbing people. So, being a honest person, I decided to turn myself at the mercy of Tyr."

The Guard nodded. It made a bit of sense. He had heard about the mysterious looting of various houses. What didn't make sense was the fact that the guy was the chosen one of that Elf Paladin. Why would he want to be locked up in a cold and stinky prison cell? Was she that bossy?

"Errr... Is this a trick?" – asked the Guard.

"No, dear sir. Guilty, I am."

"You are mad! This has to be a trick!"

"Take me in, sir!"

Lock up the future saviour of the city of Neverwinter? Yeah, right! Pull the other one, it has bells on.

"Go away!"

"Am I... forgiven, then?" – asked the Rogue.

"Yes... But only if you go away! Now!"


	4. The Villain and his Psychiatrist

**Chapter 4; The Villain and his Psychiatrist **

**Note: **For some strange reason, I tend to prefer the Villain over the Hero. I don't know why, it just happens. I mean I know that the Villain will eventually lose against the Hero, yet I keep rooting for the bad guy. To tell you the truth, I usually prefer the happy endings. But why would I support the Villain if I want the Hero to win in the end? Ahhh! My head hurts! At least I have discussed my problem with you. I feel a lot better. But what about the Villain? When he has a problem with whom does he talk to? His minions? I doubt it. The Hero? Yeah, the evil monologue can be interpreted as a cry for help. But my money is on a psychiatrist.

For the sake of the story, let's give the Villain a name. Oh! I know… we will call him Villain. It is quite catchy and easy to remember.

Well, Villain is a very nasty and evil bad guy. He likes to plot and to torment innocents… Oh! And he also likes to kick puppies. Don't ask! Really, you don't want to know.

Villain was inside a strange room. Not, it wasn't a dungeon. Nor was it a prison cell. It was much, much worse than that.

It was a psychiatrist's office.

"I want to conquer the world!" – yelled Villain.

"Why?" – asked the psychiatrist.

Huh? That was a tricky question.

"Why? Because I am Evil!"

"Interesting. And after that?"

"What? After what?"

"Conquering the world." – explained the psychiatrist.

"That's easy! The Universe!"

"Hummm... And after that?"

"What? After conquering the Universe?" – asked the Villain.

"Yes."

"I don't know... Kill people? Gain more power?"

"Okay. And after that?"

"Are you mocking me? I am Evil."

"And why are you evil?"

"Evil, not evil! Why are you asking so many questions?" – demanded Villain.

"Don't you like it?"

"No!"

"Why is that?"

Okay! That was the last straw!

"Aaaaaarrrgggghhhh!" – yelled Villain.

The evil man looked angrily at his psychiatrist and then opened a dimensional portal. The psychiatrist didn't look very impressed. Villain threw the psychiatrist into the portal and gave a very cruel maniacal laugh.

"Have fun in Hell!" – mocked Villain.

**…**

The psychiatrist landed on the ground. He wasn't in his office anymore.

Where was he, then? Maybe that nice little chap with the big horns would be able to tell him.

**"Aahhh! More fresh meat! Now, human, you will suffer!"** – growled the Demon.

"Why is that?" – asked the psychiatrist.

The Demon hesitated. People usually screamed and begged for their life when they met him. They had never asked him questions.

**"Because... You are in Hell!"**

"And how do you feel about that?"

**"About what?"**

"The fact that I am in Hell."

**"Errr... Great?"**

"Why is that?"

**"There must be a mistake... This is supposed to be your moment of agony, not mine!"**


	5. The Paranoid Sorcerer

**Chapter 5; The Paranoid Sorcerer **

**Note: **I don't know how it is with you guys. I am very paranoid during RPGs. I just am. I am always suspecting that someone will eventually betray and/ or ambush me. And I have the Load Game option. Have you ever imagined how it would be if you were living a D&D adventurer in real life? Meaning with no Load Game option? You die, you stay dead? Quite horrible, huh? I can easily imagine that some of the adventurers end up really paranoid. But being paranoid is good, in a crazy sort of way. It probably means that you will be paranoid for a very long time… meaning not dead, savvy?

In this story, we have two characters: a Druid and a Sorcerer.

The Druid decided to explore the nearby woods, but unfortunately he was very afraid of squirrels. So he hired a henchman, the Sorcerer.

"I think that someone is watching us from the shadows." – yelled the Sorcerer.

The Druid sighed. Not again...

"Don't be silly. There is nothing there." – assured the Druid.

"Ohhh... So you are now an expert on shadows? Ahhhh! They moved!"

"That's your shadow, you bastard of a man."

"Ohhh! That's right! You are right! You are right! My mistake... my... That one moved!"

The Sorcerer launched dozens of fireballs that eventually burned half of the forest. The Druid's eyes yelled bloody murder.

"That was my shadow, you freak!" – growled the Druid.

"Ohhhh... My bad! My bad! Sorry! Ahhh! That skull is looking at me in a funny way! It knows! It knows!" – cried the Sorcerer.

The arcane spellcaster started running away, while screaming as a frightened little Goblin.

"So that's why no one would take him as their henchman..." – thought the Druid.


	6. The Half Orc Paladin

**Chapter 6; The Half-Orc Paladin **

**Note: **I hate Paladins. There… I have said it. I just hate them. I don't mind having them in a party; I just don't want to be one. I just don't like all of those rules and philosophies about alignment and chivalry. But I can understand their importance in a party and in an adventure. And then I started thinking… what if the Paladin was a Half-Orc? How would people react to such a character? It gave me nightmares, it did.

This a short story about a Mayor. He is the Mayor of "Insert Name Here", a very enjoyable and interesting place. Unfortunately for the "Insert Name Here"´s villagers, the village was currently being attacked by thousands of monsters and creatures from other planes. That wasn't good for business, nor was it… well… nice.

The Mayor didn't know what to do. He was paid to sit in his office and pretend that he was actually working, not to sort all of these horrible troubles.

Suddenly a Paladin entered his office. The Mayor was so surprised by this, that he almost had a heart-attack.

"Hello, fellow Mayor." – said the Paladin.

The Mayor didn't know what to say. No. That was wrong… he knew exactly what to say. He was just having some troubles speaking right now, since his heart was still beating madly.

"Ahhhh! An Orc!" – cried the Mayor, after regaining his posture.

The Knight gestured the poor man to calm down.

"No, no, no! I am a Half-Orc." – explained the Paladin.

"Ohhh... Sorry!"

"That's okay."

"Ahhhh! A Half-Orc!"

The Paladin sighed. He should have expected that reaction. Everyone had a similar reaction when they saw him. Even his own father had that same reaction when he saw him for the first time, since both his parents were human. Strangely, his mother hadn't been really surprised.

"Dear Mayor. I have killed every Goblin and Demon of this great land!" – explained the Paladin.

"Ahhhhh... You what?" – asked the Mayor.

"Yes. I am a Paladin of Helm. I have promised my god, that I would help the innocent, protect the weak, teach the..."

"I get the point, mister. What do you want? The reward?"

"No, sir, I am shocked! Shocked! I don't want money!"

The Mayor looked a bit confused. An adventurer that didn't want any money? What next? A lawyer with a soul?

"Ohhh? Well, I do have this nice Longsword + 5. Take it!" – said the Mayor.

"I don't want a reward. Just your smile and blessing, sir."

"What? Is this some trick? You just killed all those things for nothing? You must be joking."

"Not at all. I didn't have anything to do today..."

"So you decided to save the city and kill thousands of monsters?"

"Yes. Healthy exercise, if you ask me."

"Sure... So you don't want this sword, and no money?"

"Yes." – replied the Paladin.

"You must be sick, sir."

"In fact, I should be the one giving you money!"

"What? Are you mad?"

"Here! 2000 gold coins. For you, sir! For being so nice!"

"You... are... mad." – murmured the Mayor.

The Paladin started moving slowly towards the Mayor, who was looking rather paler than usual.

"Give me a smile, sir! Please!" – begged the Paladin.

"Guards! Guards!" – yelled the Mayor.


	7. Time Stop

**Chapter 7; Time Stop **

**Note: ** I love the spell Time Stop. It is always funny destroying your enemy, while he is just standing there… defenceless… not knowing what is about to hit him. Ahhhhh! Good times. Hummm… I wonder who was the Wizard that created such a powerful spell and if he was viewed as a genius or as an idiot? Why? Just read, mate.

The arcane spellcasters were all gather inside the magic university. Some famous Wizard was about to show them his new spell. Oh, goody!

A very old Wizard was standing in the middle of the amphitheatre, while the other arcane spellcasters were all seated in nice comfortable chairs.

"Fellow spellcasters... and bards... I have created a new and powerful spell!" – said the old Wizard.

"Ooooooh!" – mumbled the spellcasters.

"What does it do?" – asked a Sorcerer.

"Good question, sir. It is a level nine spell..." – explained the old Wizard.

"Aaaaaah!"

"… that permits you to stop Time itself!"

"Aaaahhh... What?"

"You know... it freezes Time... Time stops..." – said the old Wizard.

The spellcasters all looked at each other and shrugged. Was the man insane? That spell would never work! You couldn't stop time. Everyone knew that. If you wanted to stop time that badly, you could always break a clock or two. But stopping Time itself? Nope.

"Really? That's way cool, man." – said a Bard.

"I know... I know... Do you want to see it?" – asked the old Wizard.

"Boy, do we! Show us!"

The old Wizard launched the spell Time Stop, stopping Time itself. The spellcasters didn't move, nor did Time.

"Back to normal!" – yelled the old Wizard.

Time started to move, so did the spellcasters.

"Ta-dahhh!" - said the old Wizard.

The spellcasters looked a bit uncertain with what had happened.

"Ta- what?" – asked a Sorcerer.

"What what?" – asked the old Wizard.

"So... we are still waiting for the spell, sir." – said the Sorcerer.

"I already did it, my fellow spellcaster."

"No you didn't. I didn't feel it."

"Duhh! Time stopped! So did you!"

"We didn't feel it!" – said the spellcasters.

"You have been drinking, haven't you?" – asked another Wizard.

" No! Well, yes... but I did stop Time!"

"Right... okay... we believe you." – said the Wizard.

"You do?" – asked the old Wizard, feeling a bit relieved.

The spellcasters ventured a glance at each other. Poor guy… he had finally lost it.

"Yes... we do. Now... take the dried frog pills... That's a nice boy." – said the Wizard.


	8. The Red Squirrels of Doom

**Chapter 8; The Red Squirrels of Doom **

**Note: **I like squirrels. Let's face it… who doesn't? What? You don't like squirrels? Weird, man! Just plain weird! Anyway, I think that they are cute. And what is more fun than a cute squirrel that likes to hurt people? Thousands of squirrels that like to hurt people, that's what. Duh!

The time had finally come… The evil Cleric's undead army was ready to attack the nearby villages and to spread chaos and death. Ah! It would be so fun! Well… it would at least be fun for the evil Cleric, since most people wouldn't be having that much fun. But who cared?

"At last... My army of undead is ready! Soon everyone will die! And then they will join my army of undead! Muah-ah-ah-ah-ah!" – yelled the evil Cleric.

Sure it was an evil plan. But guess what? The Cleric was evil… and he loved being evil. Plus, you paid fewer taxes.

The evil Cleric was getting himself ready for the evil monologue. He had practised it for years and now the time had finally come for him to make it.

And no one would stop him this… Huh? Why was that damn vampire calling him?

"Lord. There is a nasty looking fellow outside. He wants to talk to you." – said the vampire.

The evil Cleric showed an evil grin. Ah! Right on time.

"Oh! Heroes! So predictable! They will all die! Die! Muah-ah-ah-ah!" – said the evil Cleric.

The Evil Cleric went outside his evil lair. Standing right in front of him was… an Elf Wizard. There was definitely something strange about that Elf. His clothes were burnt, and his eyes... they seemed made of fire, or something like that.

"Too late, hero! My army of the undead is already prepared to kick your arse. You will die! Muah-ah-ah-ah!"

The Elf Wizard didn't seem too worried about that threat. Actually, he just stood there… smiling.

"Hun? Why... are you... so calm?" – demanded the evil Cleric.

The Elf Wizard picked up some kind of rodent from his pocket. The rodent seemed quite vicious and evil.

"Ohhh... Is that a... Ohhh..." – said the evil Cleric.

The evil Cleric started sweating. It was a Red Squirrel. Ohhh, dear Talos! A damn Red Squirrel!

"Ahhhh... My undead army will not be defeat by that little bastard!"

And it was in fact a true statement. The Red Squirrel was a very vicious and cruel creature, but the hero only had one Red Squirrel. It was only a minor problem. The damn creature would probably only destroy half of his undead army.

The Elf Wizard looked at the Red Squirrel in his hand. And then he looked at his Bag of Holding.

"What... Are you doing, mister?" – asked the evil Cleric.

The Elf Wizard opened the Bag of Holding and...

Nothing happened.

The evil Cleric took a deep breath of relieved. He had almost wet his pants, for crying out loud.

"Muah-ah-ah-ah-ah!" 

And then... it happened. Thousands of Red Squirrels appeared from out of the Bag of Holding. They were all looking really mad.

"Ah! Ah... Oh, bugger!" – mumbled the evil Cleric.

The rest of the story is full of violence and horrible deaths, so I decided to cut that part.

Let's just say that five minutes after this occurrence, the evil lair was on fire, the undead army destroyed.

What about the evil Cleric? Rumours state that his burnt body was eventually found… and that it was a horrible sight.


	9. Monk of the Caffeine Order

**Chapter 9; Monk of the Caffeine Order **

**Note: **Don't Monks seem a bit… well… cheesy? I mean they are way more powerful than most of the other Classes. Don't get me wrong! They are quite interesting and fun to play with. Anyway, it was only a matter of time until I thought about a Monk under the effects of caffeine. The results weren't pretty…

The Monk looked at his map and sighed. He appeared to be lost… again. Damn! Where was he? Was he lost in a forest? Or was this a desert of some kind? All he could see were trees and… trees… and more trees… and a bear… and trees…

Maybe he was lost in the sea?

The poor guy wasn't a Ranger, so how could he know where the hell he was? He was a Monk that belonged to the "Caffeine Order"; the Monks of this Order drink many cups of coffee in order to become more lethal.

Suddenly, an Assassin stepped out from behind a bush.

"Oh, boy! It is that damn Assassin." – said the Monk.

"Good. I have finally found you! You will die and suffer! Suffer!" – yelled the Assassin.

So this was it… he was going to die lost in… some kind of… mountain? Other dimension? Someone's backyard?

"Ahhh! Could you just hold a second?" – begged the Monk.

"Huh?"

Monk picked up a bottle from his pack.

"I will just drink some coffee. My last request! Please!"

"Okay. If that is your last wish." – said the Assassin.

The Monk drank the coffee. The whole bottle.

"Whoa! You just drank that whole bottle of coffee!"

The Monk was very still, completely ignoring the Assassin.

"Errr... Are you okay?"

The Monk looked at the Assassin. His eyes were shining.

"Ohhh! Are you ready to die?" – asked the Assassin.

"Yeeeeeeeeeeessssssssssssssssss! Iamreadytodie! ButIwon´t! Youwilllllllllllllllllllll!"

The Monk started running and jumping at an incredible speed.

"Banzai! Sayonara! Chop Chop! Kickyouinthechin!" – yelled the Monk.

The Assassin threw lots of daggers in the direction of the Monk, but the Monk was able to dodge all of the attacks.

"Ohhh, boy! Now I understand why people wouldn't accept this contract. You really are a "Monk of the Caffeine Order"."

The Monk gave the Assassin a punch in the belly, a kick in the face and a kick in the rear. The poor guy was beaten in a matter of seconds.

"Oucchhh!" – cried the Assassin.

"Huuuuuzzzzaaahh! Whoisthebest? Whoisthebest? Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

"Ouucchhhh!"

"Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! AndnowIwill... Runaroundtheworld! Oooooohhhh!"

"Ouuuchhh!"

The Monk started running at an incredible speed and went away. The Assassin looked at the bottle that the Monk had left behind.

"Damn you, caffeine! Damn you!" – said the Assassin.


	10. The Training of Bards

**Chapter 10; The Training of Bards **

**Note: **I like Deekin. He is funny. And quite an original character, huh? A Kobold Bard. Wow! But why stop there? Why not make a Demon Bard? Or a Goblin Bard? Or a Half-Ogre Bard? Please?

The Bard looked at the students and sighed. Strangely enough there were very few humans in the class. Most of the students now were monsters or Gnomes.

Anyway, now wasn't the time to think. He was trying to teach a Half-Ogre to act. Ah! That would be like asking a cat to stop being a selfish bastard!

"To be or not to be a thingy? That's the thingy!" – said the Half-Ogre.

"The what, dear?" – asked the Bard.

"Thingy, stupid sissy human!"

"Ohhh, dear! You mean "question", don't you?"

"That's what I said! Thingy!"

The Bard looked a bit confused and shrugged. Why him?

"Very good, dear! Now... show me your smile!" – asked the Bard.

The Half-Ogre showed the Bard his smile.

"Right! Don't ever... I mean ever... do that again, dear! I almost made a boo-boo in my pants." – said the Bard.

"A what?"

"You know... a thingy."

"Ohhh... Okay!"

"You really have sharp teeth, dear."

"Thank you, stupid sissy human." – said the Half-Ogre.

"Right! Let's practise this other line. Say it, dear!"

"I... L- ooooo- v- iiiii... yus! Kiss me, my thingy!"

"That will have to do, dear. That will have to." – said the Bard.


	11. The Commander and the Idiot

**Chapter 11; The Commander and the Idiot **

**Note: **I like Fighters. I really do. I just don't like playing them as if they are dumb. You know? The kind of Warrior that only likes to kill stuff and can't even spell his own name. I like to give my Warriors more edge and versatility, meaning that I usually try to make them intelligent. I mean… have you ever imagined a Fighter with an intelligence of six? Now try to imagine a conversation with him…

The Commander was feeling very happy. Why was he feeling very happy? Because it was a damn fine day for starting a war, that's why. He didn't know why they were starting a war. He didn't even know with whom they would be fighting against. But he didn't car about those silly details… he was a man of action; born into this would only to make sure others would leave sooner.

Alas, in order to win a war, you needed men to kill the enemy for you. The Commander sighed.

"Next!" – yelled the Commander.

A soldier walked into his tent and saluted the Commander.

"We have only one more guy that wants to join the army, sir." – said the soldier.

Only one more guy? Damn! They needed at least two hundred more soldiers in order to win the war. Or a party of six adventurers. Which ever came first.

"Let him in." – said the Commander.

A tall and well built man entered the tent, as the soldier left.

"Well, well… a fellow Fighter. Good! We need more of your type in here. Lots of those damn Rogues and Wizards in here. I hate them!" – said the Commander.

"Duuhhh!" – said the Fighter.

"What was that?"

"Duuuhhh, sir!"

"Good. Why are you here, my fellow Warrior?"

"Me wants to use sharp thing."

"You what?"

Me wants to use sharp thing, sir."

"No, man! "What" the hell was that? What sharp thing?"

Fighter showed the Commander his sword. It appeared to be made out of wood.

"Ohhh! You want to fight, huh? Good for you, lad!" – said the Commander.

"Duuuhhhh!"

"Very well! You will receive 15 gold coins per day. Is that okay?"

"Okay!" – said the Fighter.

"Good!"

"Okay!"

"Yes…"

"Okay!"

"Do you understand me, lad?" – asked the Commander.

"Okay!"

"Too many blows on the head, huh? Can you fight?"

"Do what?" – asked the Fighter.

"Can you use the sharp thing?"

"Yessss! Duuuhhhh!"

"Son. I like men with an attitude and with muscle. You have them. But what about wits? And the wisdom of ages?"

"I like the pretty horsies!"

"Look, lad… I like you. I really do. But I need someone that can think… Can you think?" – asked the Commander.

"No… Yes… Is it bathing time yet?"

"Errr… No… Thank Helm, no… Boy, you have to prove yourself to me. Quickly, now! Do you know how to count?"

"Duuhhhh!"

"Good! One plus one equals…"

Silence.

"You are supposed to answer…" – explained the Commander.

"What?"

"The question."

"Okay."

More silence.

"Look, lad. It is simple! One finger plus one finger equals…"

"A cake?" – said the Fighter.

"Yes… I am beginning to like Wizards… At least they can keep up with a discussion… Look! This is the last test! The Grand Finale!"

"The what what?"

"Your last chance."

"And then we dance?"

"Torm save me! Errr… Show me your right arm."

"Bunnies."

"Commander: Right arm. Show it! Now!" – ordered the Commander.

The Fighter seemed to understand the order, or at least he didn't look completely lost. He was concentrating… he was thinking… he was about to do something… and…

"Go on, lad!"

The Fighter showed the Commander his left leg.

"By Ilmater´s shorts! You damn silly son of a brick! Get out! Now!"

"More chocolate, if you please!" – said the Fighter.

That was definitely the last straw.

"Arthur! Balkins! Show this… Idiot… The way out! Don't worry. You have my permission to kick him in the rear, when the time comes."

The two soldiers that had been outside grabbed the Fighter and started to take him away.

"Right, sir! Why would I want to kick him, sir?" – asked Arthur.

"You will see, lad. You will see." – said the Commander.


	12. The Amazing Five

**Chapter 12; The Amazing Five **

**Note: **Before the release of NWN 2, there was a huge debate in the Forum about NWN and its future. Many thought that the game would eventually die. I don't agree. A game can't just die like that. It will take years, and probably then the game will be viewed as a classic. But what if NWN refused to die? What if NWN became a zombie game? Who would save us?

A zombie game? This looks like a job for The Amazing Five.

Sound effects

**The Amazing Five**

1. Van Helsing

2. Anakin Skywalker

3. Neo

4. Old Ghostbuster

5. Tom Cruise

**…**

The General sighed. He hated to resort to those losers, but he didn't have any other choice.

The cyborg pressed a button and the conversation via hologram started.

"Van Helsing? Are you there Van Helsing?" – asked Grievous.

The hologram of a man appeared before Grievous. Strangely enough, the man was still wearing his pyjamas.

"Yes, Supreme leader?" – said Van Helsing.

The cyborg nodded. Indeed the man before him was none other than the famous Van Helsing, a very lethal and effective undead hunter.

"We have a mission for you and your boys. You have to take down Bioware, a game company that deals with the undead and strange cults." – said Grievous.

"Bioware? I have heard of that demon. I will do my best, sir."

"Good. You mission is to destroy Bioware and put a stop to the undead games, all with the codename Neverwinter Nights. This hologram will self-destruct in five seconds."

"What?" – asked Van Helsing.

The hologram machine exploded, burning half of Van Helsing´s room.

"I didn't catch the last bit, sir." – said Van Helsing.

**…**

"Team up, guys!" – yelled Van Helsing.

Tom Cruise appeared from nowhere and started jumping around like a mad dog.

"I am here! And I am so in love!" – said Tom Cruise, while jumping around.

"Calm down, son!" – said Van Helsing.

"I love her soooo much! Wanna see how much I love her?" 

Tom Cruise punched Van Helsing right on the face.

"You see? I must love her!"

"Yes. I believe you… just don't hit me again! I think you broke my nose…" – said Van Helsing.

Old Ghostbuster appeared from behind the undead hunter.

"Who ya gonna call?" – asked the old Ghostbuster.

"My one true love?" – asked Tom Cruise.

"Errr… Okay! And after that?" 

"Pizza?"

"I hate you." – said the old Ghostbuster.

Neo appeared and made a dramatic slow motion pose.

"Have no fear, the One is here." – said Neo.

Anakin appeared and pushed Neo against the wall.

"What? How many times must I tell you that I am the One, you nerd!" – yelled Anakin.

"There is room only for one One. And I am that One. Got it, Mr. "I kill everyone for love"?" – said Neo.

"I am the One, ya slowpoke! I am the only One! I am "the" One!"

"Not on my movie, sucker!"

"Your movie? Which one? The Matrix Revolutions? You appear so little in that movie, that it should be called "Finding Neo"!"

"At least I am not a whining bastard."

"I am not whining! I am the best! Obi-Wan was slowing me down! I am the most powerful of them all! The Jedi are to blame! They were slowing me down!" – said Anakin.

"Oh, suck a lemon!"

"Oh, I should just kick your arse!" – said Neo.

"Bring it on, stone face!"

"I am a stone face? The love of your life is dieing and you look as expressionless as your IQ."

"Yes, I should just scream "Noooo!"…" – mocked Neo.

"Oh, damn you!" – said Anakin.

Neo made some slow motion moves and said:

"You die, Jedi!"

Anakin picked up his lightsaber and yelled:

"Just die already, Mr. Anderson!"

"What have I done?" – mumbled Van Helsing.

Tom Cruise appeared between the two men.

"I love her soooo much!" – he said.

Van Helsing sighed. Why him?

**… **

Bioware´s evil lair was dark and… well… it was mostly dark. You could say that it was evil looking, but it wasn't really that evil looking. It was definitely dark, though.

"Muah-ah-ah-ah-ah! No one is going to stop my evil plot!" – said Bioware.

Silence.

"I said: No one is going to stop my evil plot!" – said Bioware.

More silence.

"I said…"

Van Helsing appeared from behind a shadow and yelled:

"We heard you!"

"That was your cue, you idiot!" – said Bioware.

"Opppss! You are right! Can we do this again?"

"Do I have a choice?" – mumbled Bioware.

The villain cleared his throat and yelled:

"Muah-ah-ah-ah-ah! No one is going to stop my evil plot!"

"Not so fast, Bioware!" – said Van Helsing.

The villain looked surprised.

"Curses!" – he said.

Van Helsing nodded and then made a few dramatic moves.

"Prepare to be destroyed by…"

The rest of the team appeared behind the undead hunter and also made several dramatic moves.

"The Amazing Five!" – they yelled.

"By whom?" – asked Bioware.

"Us!" – said Van Helsing.

Bioware looked a bit confused and then showed an evil grin.

"You are joking, right?"

"Amazing Five… Prepare for the big fight!" – said Van Helsing.

"I have the power of love!" – said Tom Cruise, while jumping around the undead hunter.

"Who ya gonna call?" – asked the old Ghostbuster.

"My mom?" – asked Tom Cruise.

The old Ghostbuster´s glare could have melted icebergs.

"I said this once, and I will say it again… I hate you."

"Beware, villains. Your arses shall be kicked, slow motion wise." – said Neo.

"This should be interesting!" – said Anakin.

Van Helsing picked up his crossbow and pointed it towards the villain.

"This crossbow can fire 100 bolts for second. You are toasted, Bioware!" – said Van Helsing.

"I am what? That's so lame!" – mumbled Bioware.

"Well… I am under some pressure! Gezzz! Some ungrateful villain, you are! I mean, we are here just to stop you…"

"You should have said: I pity the fool. It always works." – said Neo.

"Really? I pity the fool! I pity the fool! I like it!" – said Van Helsing.

"That is also lame!" – said Anakin.

"Says you, lame boy." – said Neo.

"What?"

"Did you hear your love lines? I mean… that's lame!"

"You take that back! What I said was what I was feeling!"

"Then you must be a void of emotions." – mocked Neo.

"And your love speeches were that good, huh?"

"What does that mean?"

"Your dialogs with Mr. Smith had more love then the ones with Trinity!" – said Anakin.

"That's it! You are dead!" – said Neo.

"Bring it on!" – yelled Anakin.

Both started fighting, completely ignoring their leader's orders for them to stop acting like idiots.

"Errr…" – said Bioware.

"I am in love! My love is like a loving river of love, love! Full of love as any lover could love!" – said Tom Cruise, while hugging the old Ghostbuster.

"You are sick!" – said the old Ghostbuster.

"I am sick, yes! I am in love! Do you know how much I love her?"

"A lot?" – asked old Ghostbuster.

Tom Cruise grabbed the Old Ghostbuster´s neck and started to tighten his grip.

"This much!" – yelled Tom Cruise as he broke the old Ghostbuster´s neck.

Van Helsing looked at the spectacle and sighed.

"I am so in love!" – said Tom Cruise.

"Shouldn't you be trying to stop me or something?" – asked Bioware, that was beginning to feel a bit ignored.

Neo and Anakin were still fighting.

"I will kick you so hard, that you will have to ask Yoda to help you sit down!" – said Neo.

"I will cut your legs and make you dodge bullets without them!" – said Anakin.

"My name means One, ya bastard!"

"What?"

"Am I interrupting something?" – asked Bioware.

"Spell it backwards!" – said Neo.

"Eno?" – said Anakin.

"Damn! I mean… it's an anagram!"

"Wow! I guess that makes you the One."

"Really?"

"You wish!" – said Anakin.

"My love has an anagram, too. She alikes Tom." – said Tom Cruise.

"What am I? Chopped liver?" – yelled Bioware.

"Enough!" – yelled Van Helsing.

Van Helsing shot thousands bolts at Neo and Anakin. The Jedi fell on the floor dead. Strangely enough, Neo was still alive.

"You are alive?" – asked Van Helsing.

"I dodged all of them. Damn, I am good!" – said Neo.

"But… but… you have a bolt stuck to your head." – said Bioware.

"I have?" – asked Neo.

"Yes."

"And is it lethal?"

"I guess so."

"Damn…" – mumbled Neo.

Neo died and fell on the floor… in slow motion.

"Now it is just you and me, Bioware!" – said Van Helsing.

"And the power of love!" – said Tom Cruise.

Van Helsing shot bolts at Tom Cruise.

"Just you and me, Bioware." – said Van Helsing.

"You fool! I can stop you!" – said Bioware.

Bioware gave him a copy of the NWN´s manual.

"What madness is this? This isn't right! This manual is full of mistakes and false information!" – said Van Helsing.

"Muah-ah-ah-ah!"

"You fiend! You fiend!"

"You have failed, Van Helsing!"

"No! I won't…"

Van Helsing used all of his willpower, but alas all of his efforts were in vain. He read the first pages of the manual, and his brains started to melt down. The undead hunter was now a brainless zombie.

"You are now my slave." – said Bioware.

"Yes, Master…" – said Van Helsing.

"Now go and play NWN! Shoo!" – said Bioware.

"Yes, Master…"

"Muah-ah-ah-ah-ah!"


	13. Elminster vs Halaster

**Chapter 13; Elminster vs Halaster **

**Note: **Wizards kick rocks! They are powerful and very interesting. Elminsteris one of my favourite Wizards. He is one tough Wizard that is protected by Mystra herself. Who would win, I wonder? Elminster or Halaster? Let's find out, shall we?

It was a day just like any other. Birds were singing, children were playing, the fishes were swimming... and people were just living their lives.

But in forest, near the city of Waterdeep, two Warriors were preparing themselves for battle. Not just any battle... The battle! The last one of their lives.

One of them was an old man. He seemed too old for this kind of job, but experienced nonetheless. He wore a rusted chainmail and had a magical sword. He looked like a Paladin of some sorts.

And what about his adversary? He was young, yes. He wore a great armour and sword. His face was full of scars and he had an eyepatch. He had a look in his eyes... sorry, eye... that said Blackguard.

And at the top of a hill, an old man was watching the fight between the veteran of Good and the infant of Evil. He was also enjoying a good smoke. The pipe seemed old and yet full of respect.

The name of the old man was Elminster.

The fight between the two Warriors was full of passion. Both wanted to win.

And then... He appeared. He was also an old man. But he looked insane. He talked in rhymes and had a look of pure madness.

He looked at the Warriors and laughed. The two Warriors stopped the fight and looked at the strange sage.

The mad man was Halaster, Lord and Creator of the Undermountain. Halaster pointed his finger to the two Warriors and launched some sort of spell.

The Paladin and the Blackguard both died a gruesome and horrible death. The only thing left were some ashes.

The mad man looked at Elminster and defied Mystra´s Chosen to a fight. But not just any fight... A Wizards fight.

Elminster looked at the ashes and then at Halaster. He picked up his staff.

He accepted.

May the Gods protect us, mere mortals! The Combat of the Art was going to start.

**… **

Undermountain was made of Magic. Magic can create and Magic can destroy... and in this case it had destroyed.

The two Wizards had fought for days. Undermountain was all destroyed, and all that was left were the corpses of monsters and some of Halaster´s clones.

Elminster had won.

The powerful Mage looked at the wounded figure in the ground. Halaster was a mere shade of what he had been. He seemed tired and weaker... But he still had madness in his eyes.

"My domain... My world..."- said Halaster.

Elminster was also tired and weaker. It had been a great battle... But Mystra had come to his aid at the last minute. His goddess had destroyed the damned clones of the mad Wizard. The fight had been just between Elminster and the real Halaster.

But Halaster wasn't dead. Undermountain was his Dungeon... he made the rules here... The Dungeon Master always made the rules.

Halaster was up again. He looked at the remains of his "world".

"My world... My will!"- cried Halaster.

He picked up an axe that was on the ground and came forward in the direction of Elminster.

"Here's Johnny!"- said Halaster.

Elminster decided to put his powerful staff in a defensive position.

"Who?"- asked Elminster.

Halaster stopped his attack and looked at the axe. Why had he said that?

"I... don't know... it just came to me..."- said Halaster.

The mad Wizard was so tired that he had forgotten about talking in rhymes.

"Are you alright, old boy? You seem paler than usual?"- asked Elminster.

Halaster decided to throw the axe at the ground. He did look paler than usual.

"I... don't know... my madness... Is growing stronger or something... I feel it... a powerful madness... I feel..."- said Halaster.

Elminster looked at his staff and then at his adversary.

He was completely mad, Elminster thought.

"You feel... what?"- asked Elminster.

Halaster looked at Elminster and started to droll.

"I feel..."- said Halaster.

"Errr... Mad? Angry? Hungry? Old?"- asked Elminster.

"I feel pretty..."- said Halaster.

Elminster looked confused.

"You feel what?"- said Elminster.

"I feel pretty,  
Oh, so pretty,  
I feel pretty, and witty and gay,  
And I pity  
Any girl who isn't me today."- sang Halaster.

Elminster almost fainted.

"I feel charming,  
Oh, so charming--  
It's alarming how charming I feel,  
And so pretty  
That I hardly can believe I'm real.

See the pretty girl in that mirror there:  
Who can that attractive girl be?  
Such a pretty face,  
Such a pretty dress,  
Such a pretty smile,  
Such a pretty me!"- sang Halaster.

"You are crazy!"- said Elminster.

"I feel pretty,  
Oh, so pretty  
That the city should give me its key.  
A committee  
Should be organized to honour me.

I feel dizzy  
I feel sunny,  
I feel fizzy and funny and fine,  
And so pretty,  
Miss America can just resign!

See the pretty girl in that mirror there..."- sang Halaster.

"What mirror where?"- sang Elminster.

Elminster looked at his hands and then at Halaster. What kind of Magic was this? Why was he singing? What was happening in there?

"Who can that attractive girl be?"- sang Halaster.

"Which? What? Where? Whom?"- sang Elminster.

"Such a pretty face,  
Such a pretty dress,  
Such a pretty smile,  
Such a pretty me!"- sang Halaster.

Elminster looked at the wall. There was no mirror there... yet... he was enjoying himself. After all those years of saving the world and other dimensions... he was having fun! Oh, well... when you can't beat them, join them.

"I feel stunning  
And entrancing--  
Feel like running and dancing for joy,  
For I'm loved  
By a pretty wonderful boy!"- sang the two Wizards.


	14. Favoured Enemy

**Chapter 14; Favoured Enemy **

**Note: **By the gods! A human Ranger can have as Favoured Enemies humans? How can it be? Isn't that like… weird? Can he shave, without trying to kill himself? Can he look himself in the mirror without feeling an urge to punch it? I don't know… but it is funny to think about it.

"Mr. Ranger, sir…" – said the psychiatrist.

The Ranger entered the room and looked at the psychiatrist. His face was tormented with hate and rage.

"Ah! A human! Die!" – yelled the Ranger.

The psychiatrist gestured for the Ranger to call down and sighed.

"No, sir… Half-Elf. See the pointy ears?" – said the psychiatrist.

The Ranger looked a bit suspicious, but he did seem calmer.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. Put down the sword. That's a good Ranger."

"Hummm… I will keep my eye on you!"

"Right… so… you are a human Ranger… that hates humans?" – asked the psychiatrist, while reading his file.

"That's right, Doc. I hate those bloody humans!"

"Really? And by the way… I am a Doctor… Not Doc."

"Okay, Doc." – said the Ranger.

"Errr… right… so… what seems to be the problem?"

"I hate humans… and that's a bit bad…"

"A bit?"

"A lot..." – admitted the Ranger.

"Ah! Some progress! Good! Good! Please… do continue!"

"First of all… Christmas is awful. My family is full of humans…" – said the Ranger.

"Oh? What happens during Christmas?"

"I try to kill all of them, of course."

"What? Even your parents?" – asked the psychiatrist.

"Well, they are bloody humans."

"But you are also a human."

"That's the other problem, Doc."

"What?"

"Every time that I am shaving, I want to kill myself!"

"Really?"

"That's right! Every time that I look at that mirror and see me, my first instinct is to cut my own throat!" – said the Ranger.

"Good gods! You are lucky to be alive, man! Why do you shave, then?"

"Errr… Good question!"

"What about girlfriends?"

"There were some girlfriends… But none of them were humans! I prefer dating Half-Orcs than humans!"

"Right… well… tastes… they are subjective, no?"

"I don't know… Are they?"

"They are, yes."

"I also try to kill the humans that dare to cross my woods!"

"Oh?"

"Yup! The problem is that most of my fellow Rangers are humans… so I attack them on sight…"

"Oh, boy!" – said the psychiatrist.

"Snifff… I am not invited to the Rangers´ parties, ever since I tried to kill old Goldie… Sniff… But he is a stinky human!"

The psychiatrist nodded. This was indeed a very complex problem.

"Why do you hate humans?"

"Because… because… when I was little I wanted to be an Elf." – said the Ranger.

"Don't we all?"

"So… I decided that I should hate Humans, because they are not Elves."

"Great! Some progress was made today! Do you wish to come again next week?"

"Okay!" – said the Ranger.

The Ranger started walking towards the door, but was suddenly stopped by the psychiatrist.

"Don't go thought there! Go thought the back!" – said the psychiatrist.

"Why?"

"Because most of my clients are huma… Errr… Sick! Yes! They have a strange disease."

"Oh? Really? Man! They shouldn't let some people be in the streets! It's disturbing!" – said the Ranger.

The psychiatrist rolled his eyes and sighed.

"I agree…" – said the psychiatrist.


	15. The most evil of all creatures

**Chapter 15; The most evil of all creatures **

**Note: **I love villains. I really do. And the thing I like most about villains, besides the maniacal laugh, is their evil plot to take over the world. Why would they want to rule the world, anyway? It would only give the villains troubles and headaches. And what would the villain be without their infamous minions? Just a damn eccentric guy, I guess. But who is the best minion for a villain, I wonder?

Mr. Evil was a villain. He was probably the worst villain of all times, but he would never admit it. His idea of an evil act was to steal candy from a baby. He was, let's face it, a loser. But he was nevertheless a very determined loser.

"At last! After many years of studying the mystical arts and being the centre of my fellow spellcasters jokes… I did it!" – yelled Mr. Evil.

Igor clapped his master's efforts. You had to give it him at least that, or else he would start crying for his mother. And Igor was very afraid of Mr. Evil´s mother.

"Good, masther! Good!" – said Igor, while rolling his eyes.

The villain pretended not to notice his servant's mockery.

"And they said that I was mad! Mad, I tell! Mad! Mu-ah-ah-ahh-ahhhhh!"

"Don't know why, shir!"

There was a pause. It was a dreadful pause, which was used after someone said a bad joke or farted… usually at the same time.

"Because I "am" mad, Igor!" – said Mr. Evil.

"Oh! Never saw it coming, masther." – mumbled Igor.

The villain picked up a scroll of some sorts and showed it to his servant.

"And now… the spell of Chaos and Destruction! It will be the end of the world as we know it!" – yelled Mr. Evil.

Igor looked a bit uncertain and then said: "Actually, shir, I don't know much about it."

"Shut up, man! You are ruining my evil and chaotic mood!"

"So sorry, masther!"

Bah! Servants! Who needs them anyway? They are only useful at cleaning, cooking, taking care of the garden… Okay, they had their uses. Damn! If only he knew how to cook something besides a sandwich with mustard… and he hated mustard.

"And now… come forward my creature of evil! Minion of Chaos! You shall appear now!" – ordered Mr. Evil.

A dark and mysterious dimensional portal suddenly opened before the villain.

"And now… the mystical words! The ones that I have wasted all of my life looking for… Abra-kadabra!" – said Mr. Evil.

Igor looked a bit confused and then said: "You have wasted your life looking for those words, masther?"

"Shut up!"

Then… a bright light blinded the two men.

"Ah! I can't see!" – cried Mr. Evil.

"Maybe it is because of the bright light, shir? Just a suggestion."

"I already told a thousand times to shut… Oh! It is here!"

A strange shape was standing behind the smoke.

"Oh… Is it a Slaad Lord? Or a Tiefling?" – wondered Mr. Evil.

"Worst, masther." – said Igor.

"How do you know?"

"We, Igors, can sense true "evil" and "chaos", masther. In a scale of 1 to 10, this guy is a 20."

"I almost peed in my pants, Igor."

"Again, shir?"

"Shut up, man!" – yelled Mr. Evil.

Igor nodded calmly and then gestured for his master to carry on with the show.

"Creature! Appear! Now!" – said the villain.

The creature appeared from behind the smoke.

"It is… strange looking, no?" – said Mr. Evil.

"Tell me about it, shir!" – said Igor.

"Hello!" – said the creature.

"What is your vile and corrupted name, oh fiend from Chaos?" – asked Mr. Evil.

" Mesa is named Jar Jar Binks!" – said the creature.

"Jar Jar… What? That's not very chaotic!" – said Mr. Evil.

"No? Mesa is very happy! Yousa is very nice bubby!" – said Jar Jar Binks.

"I am a what? I feel offended, but I don't know what he said!"

"He is odd…" – mumbled Igor.

"Oh? That's the opinion of an Igor? Igor that is full of stitches and of dead people parts?" – growled Mr. Evil.

"Yes."

"Whoa! He must be really odd!"

"My point, shir!"

"Yousa want to play?" – asked Jar Jar Binks.

"Errr… No! I will test him, Igor! You there… creature…" – said Mr. Evil.

" Mesa is Jar Jar, you funny clowney!"

"Again with the insults! Make chaos! Now!"

"What? You want mesa to make a poopoo?"

"A what?"

"I won't translate it, shir!" – said Igor.

"Just do something, Jar Jar!" – ordered Mr. Evil.

**… **

Some time after… The evil lair was completely destroyed and on fire…

"My house! My work! All gone!"- cried Mr. Evil.

"Yes, shir…" – said Igor.

"How? What? When?"

"The creature touched a bottle that was full of exploding stuff, shir."

"The one that said "Don't touch", Igor?"

"Afraid so, masther. And then he tried put off the fire, but instead of picking up the jar full of water, he picked up an even more explosive bottle… Dramatic, shir!"

"More explosions, then?"

"And then pushed you and you fell off the tower. You are lucky to be alive!"

"I remember now… What did he say afterwards?" – asked Mr. Evil.

"I think it was "Sorry! Oppsss… Mesa made a poopoo!", masther." – said Igor.

"I wanted Chaos… But this is too much! Maybe some Red Squirrels or a Red Dragon… But this creature… it is pure evil!"

"I have to agree with you, shir."

"I will send it to a place where it will not cause any harm!" – said Mr. Evil.

The villain opened a portal and then tricked the creature into entering the mysterious gateway to another dimension.

"Thank you, shir! This may be the start of a beautiful friendship!" – said Igor.

"Shut up!" – yelled Mr. Evil.

**…**

In another dimension…

George Lucas, proud creator of Star Wars, was talking to a friend, whose name was Friend, about a strange nightmare that he had.

"Strange! Last night something weird happened!" – said George Lucas.

"What?" – asked Friend.

"It was as if a creature entered my mind or something!"

"Yeah, strange!"

"And then… a new kind of Star Wars alien appeared in my mind!"

"Another Wookie? Or a new kind of Hutt?"

"No… let's call it Jar Jar Binks for now!"

"Jar Jar Binks? That's a goofy name!"

"I think that I am going to use it in my new Star Wars films. I like it!"

"Well… you are the "man", George!" - said Friend, while rolling his eyes.

"I am going to! I mean… what harm can it cause, anyway?" – asked George Lucas.


	16. Hide In Plain Sight Rules!

**Chapter 16; Hide In Plain Sight Rules!**

**Note: **Nothing to say. The title says it all. This story is based on a side quest from Icewind Dale 2. That side quest made laugh so much, that I had to create this story. Because everyone knows that a dead cat, does indeed bring good luck. Especially for the dead cat.

Rob sighed. Life wasn't easy for a Shadow Dancer, especially if you were a dwarven Shadow Dancer. Dwarves weren't known by their finesse, so Rob had to train hard to reach his current abilities and experience in hiding in the shadows. But he wasn't the bravest of souls, quite the opposite, really. He was even afraid of shadows, you see. That was quite disturbing for a Shadow Dancer's ego, and he had even consulted a psychiatrist but without success. He was a loser, plain and simple.

So Rob decided to hire a partner, a Half-Orc Rogue, known for his stupidity and rotten teeth. The Half-Orc´s name was Idiot. Sure it wasn't the best of names, but it was easy to remember.

"Quite, idiot!" – mumbled Rob.

The Half-Orc nodded and then grinned. Rob was beginning to question his partner's usefulness. Which was bad, considering they were in the middle of a job. They were inside a rich noble's mansion. The house was full of gold and jewels, but it was also full of guards.

"What's that smell?" – asked Rob.

"I don't smell anything." – said Idiot.

Rob knew that the Half-Orc wasn't telling the truth. It was either that, or the brute didn't have a nose.

"It seems… that someone died or something?"

The Half-Orc patted the Dwarf on the back and said: "Oh! You mean my dead cat?"

The Dwarf nodded and then gestured for the Half-Orc to follow him. After a few seconds, Rob's brain started screaming in horror and pointing at Idiot as if he was an aberration.

"Your what?" – said Rob.

Idiot looked a bit confused and showed his bag. A dead cat was inside the bag, looking a bit… dead.

"My lucky dead cat!"

The Dwarf looked at his partner in a way that can only be described as in pure disgust.

"Your lucky dead cat…"

"My father told me that a dead cat brings good luck." – said the Half-Orc.

The Dwarf knew that this wasn't the best of times to discuss this horrible topic, but he was he was nevertheless curious, so he asked: "What? Good luck? The cat is dead… Is that good luck? Shouldn't you have a live cat? One that can meow and stuff like that?"

"That's stupid! The cat only brings luck when he is dead. Not when he is alive."

The Dwarf sighed again, and then punched Idiot. He didn't know why, but it just made him feel better.

"Look! The smell is going to attract the guards!" – said Rob.

"No! The luck from the dead cat will protect us!" – said Idiot, looking really confident.

"The poor bugger is beginning to decompose! Are those fleas? And other parasites?" – said Rob, sweat crossing his face.

"Yes."

"Do they also bring good luck?"

"What? Fleas don't bring good luck! That would be stupid!" – said the Half-Orc.

The Dwarf's brain decided that this was the last straw. He had heard some noise from behind him… that would the guards, of course. They must have been attracted by the horrible smell.

It was time to bravely run away. But what of the bastard and his dead cat? That stinky animal was sure to attract more attention.

"Errr… Look! It is Drizzt!" – said Rob.

The Half-Orc´s eyes went wide in surprise and then yelled: "Where?"

The Dwarf grinned evilly and then disappeared in the shadows (Hide in plain sight).

"That was not Drizzt! Hey! Where are you?" – asked the Half-Orc.

Two guards appeared behind Idiot and pointed their swords at the Half-Orc.

"You are under arrest, you foul beast!" – said one of the guards.

"Why?" – asked Idiot.

The guards changed glances and then nodded.

"For trying to steal from our master." – said the first guard.

"And for trying to murder our bloody noses!" – said the other.


	17. The Alignments

**Chapter 17; The Alignments **

**Note: **I think that Alignments are really, really, really interesting. I mean they can be both a blessing and a curse for any D&D player out there. And then I started thinking… if there is someone out there really giving alignments to the players and NPCs. Well… I don´t know if there really is someone out there with that profession. But what I know is if there is indeed one, then all I have to say him is this: It sucks to be you.

Steve picked up his notes and read them. He had one of the most important of jobs in all the realms: he was in charge of telling people their respective alignment. It wasn't the best of jobs, but someone had to do it. Unfortunately for Steve, that someone was him.

Steve looked at a passing Noble and said: "Hello, sir! My name is Steve. I am here to give you your alignment."

The Noble looked a bit bored and then shrugged. Who was this pathetic little man? And why was he dressed as a Commoner? Could it be that he was actually a Commoner? Would a Commoner dare to speak with him? Oh, bugger! Mental note: take a bath.

"Huh?" – said the Noble.

Better make it two baths, thought the Noble.

"You, sir… are… a "Lawful Neutral" kind of person." – said Steve.

The Noble looked a bit worried and wondered if he had just been offended.

"Ohhh… is that good?"

"No, sir. It's Neutral, sir."

"Jolly… errr… neutral, then." – said the Noble.

The Noble started running away from Steve, while screaming in terror. The young lad sighed and then looked at a beautiful girl that was in front of him.

"You, miss. You are "Neutral Good"." – said Steve.

The beautiful girl looked a bit confused, not knowing if Steve was teasing her or asking her out on a date.

She decided to follow a more diplomatic approached and said: "Ohhh… Thank you. I guess…"

Steve bowed before the beautiful girl and then grabbed a Halfling that was trying to pick his pocket.

"You, sir." – said Steve.

The Halfling looked a bit worried, since no Rogue liked to get caught during the act, and yelled: "What do you want? Bugger off!"

"Sir, you are "Chaotic Evil"."

The Halfling looked shocked and the said: "What? Are you saying that I am evil, boy?"

"Well… Errr… Yes…"

The Halfling looked angry and then picked up a sharp dagger from his belt. Steve's face was full of sweat, but he nevertheless didn't panic or cry for help.

"Have you said this to anyone, mister?" – asked the Halfling.

"Just to the Paladin behind you, sir!" – said Steve.

"Ah! Do you think that I will fall for that?"

Suddenly, a knight appeared behind the Halfling and kicked the Rogue's arse.

"You, sir, are a menace to Law and Order. Away with you!" - said the Paladin.

"Arrggh! A damn Paladin! I will go! Don't hurt me!" – said the Halfling.

The Rogue started running away and the Paladin nodded in thanks to Steve.

"You are "Lawful Good", sir." – said Steve.

The Paladin rolled his eyes and then mumbled: "Whatever, mister!"

Steve looked at his notes and sighed. It was really a tough job, but someone had to do it. He was about to call it a day, when someone touched his shoulder.

It was Lady Aribeth. Steve would recognise those pointy ears anywhere.

"What about me?" – asked Lady Aribeth.

"You?"

"Yeah, me."

Steve looked at his notes and looked worried. That had never happened before. Oh, no! By the gods! What should he do? Maybe he should run away or beg for his live right away? He could always lie to her…

He looked at those sweet eyes of hers and decided that he would not lie to such a beautiful Paladin.

"You are… "Lawful Stupid"." – said Steve.

"Great! I like it! Catchy! Bye, mister!" – said Lady Aribeth.

The Paladin started walking away while singing a song about flowers and bears. Steve looked a bit incredulous at Lady Aribeth and then shrugged. Intelligence must be her dump stat, he though.

"Just doing my job!" – said Steve.

**The End **

**… **

**Author's Note **

All of these short stories are based on several of my posts in the Bioware´s Neverwinter Nights Forum.

I want to dedicate this story to every NWN poster. Their comments and posts were the source of my inspiration.

Wizard Weatherwax


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